


Point Blank (or Didn't I, My Dear?)

by CelticKnot



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 22:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13468266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelticKnot/pseuds/CelticKnot
Summary: Sara Ryder and Jaal finally have a heart-to-heart about the state of their relationship, after a snap judgement call that may have driven them apart forever.





	Point Blank (or Didn't I, My Dear?)

**Author's Note:**

> So apparently, if you kill Akksul at the end of Jaal’s loyalty mission, Jaal stops talking to you for a while. Even if you were in the process of romancing him. (Oops.) And this was my first playthrough, so I spent the next dozen or so hours of play-time worrying that I’d permanently sabotaged the relationship. That’s how this fic was born.

_“And it was not your fault, but mine_  
_And it was your heart on the line_  
_I really fucked it up this time  
_ _Didn’t I, my dear?”_

—Mumford and Sons, “Little Lion Man”

 

Sara Ryder buried her head under her pillow, pressing it to her ears as though she could muffle the sound of Jaal’s deep voice, usually smooth and sweet like warm honey, roughened by strain as it echoed in her mind. _“I had thought we shared a fondness,”_ he’d said with that strange, but strangely endearing, turn of phrase he had. Then, _“I can’t talk to you right now.”_

She could have handled it if he’d been angry, if he’d shouted at her. She probably would have yelled right back, then stormed out and waited until they’d both cooled down. But he hadn’t been angry—and that was the worst part. He’d looked so sad, his voice laden with so much _hurt,_ that she’d almost burst into tears then and there. Instead, she had run from the Crew Quarters with barely a hello to Liam, who, to Ryder’s unending humiliation, had witnessed the entire exchange.

That had been days ago, after they’d rescued Jaal’s sister and brothers from the Roekaar. That mission had quickly gone to hell in a handbasket. Just getting into the Forge had been harrowing, with Roekaar fanatics jumping them at every turn, leaving them no choice but to shoot back first and look for Jaal’s siblings among the bodies after. Jaal, for his part, had understandably been a wreck, trembling uncontrollably, his usually unerring aim faltering and his voice going shrill as he’d edged toward complete panic. Though the plan had been to follow his lead, Ryder had found herself taking more and more command of the operation as he’d begun to come apart.

God, she _hated_ fighting Roekaar. The angara were _allies,_ damn it. Friends. And knowing there were family among these had made it even worse. Shooting back, even in self-defense, had made her feel like a monster.

When they’d finally found Teviint, Lathoul, and Baranjj, alive and unharmed—at first, anyway—she had thought the worst was over. Jaal had been able to pull himself together, and had faced down the Roekaar leader, his erstwhile friend Akksul, with a measure of his usual confidence and poise.

But even knowing he’d been beaten, Akksul had refused to back down, daring Ryder to make a martyr of him. And when she hadn’t taken the bait, he had drawn his gun on Jaal, his taunts turning to ugly threats. Then his finger had tightened on the trigger, and there hadn’t been time to think.

The look on Jaal’s face as Akksul fell, though… that was going to haunt her for a long time to come.

As she rolled over with a frustrated groan, SAM’s cool, smooth voice came softly over their private channel. _“Pathfinder, your sleep cycle has been severely disturbed for five days now. It is beginning to adversely affect your health. Perhaps Dr. T’Perro can prescribe something to help you sleep.”_

“SAM, it’s…” Ryder checked the time, and sighed heavily. “Three in the morning. I’m not going to wake Lexi up at this ungodly hour just because I can’t keep it together.” She sat up and raked her fingers through her hair. “But if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll go get a glass of warm milk or something.”

_“My ‘feelings’ in this matter are irrelevant, Pathfinder.”_

Ryder pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, and twisted her tousled red hair into a messy bun before padding barefoot into the _Tempest_ ’s tiny galley. There, to her continued frustration, she found she wasn’t alone.

Apparently also having a sleepless night was the other part of her problem: Peebee, wearing nothing but a crop-top and skimpy shorts that left vast expanses of blue skin bare and little to the imagination. Ryder remembered vividly the feeling of that skin against hers as they’d found release together in the zero-gee chamber SAM had made of the escape pod. She had surprised herself that day—she’d never so much as considered casual sex with anyone before, let alone another woman. (Okay, so Peebee was an asari, and therefore not technically a _woman,_ per se, but… still.) Yet she’d given in to Peebee’s flirtations and come-ons almost without a second thought. And damn if it hadn’t been fun.

But for all they had both insisted on “no strings,” something had definitely changed between them. They shared a connection, an understanding, that may or may not have been there before. More worryingly, though, Peebee’s emails had begun to suggest she might be interested in something more than friendship after all. And Ryder had found herself wondering… could it work?

No. She loved Peebee, but she wasn’t _in love_ with Peebee. Right? It was Jaal she’d fallen head over heels for.

Jaal, who had refused to speak to her for close to a week.

What a mess.

Ryder sighed. She was in no mood for social interaction of any kind right now, but it seemed she had little choice. “Hey, Peebs.”

Peebee jumped, startled, then gave Ryder a bright smile. “Hiya, Ryder. You look like shit. What are you doing up?”

Rubbing at her eyes with the heels of both hands, Ryder leaned heavily on the counter. “Ugh. Can’t sleep,” she groaned. “I can’t get my brain to shut off.”

“I hear ya there,” Peebee replied with a sympathetic nod. “Poc’s developed a glitch in her antigravs that I can’t pin down. I’ve been up half the night trying to coax her down off the ceiling. But that’s okay, I like having a problem to solve. What’s keeping you awake?”

Ryder chuckled darkly. “A problem to solve. Yeah, that about covers it.”

“Uh-huh.” Peebee fixed her with a knowing stare. “Same one that’s got Jaal wearing a hole in the deck up in the tech lab, I bet.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Ryder said absently—then her sleep-deprived brain caught up with the conversation. “Wait, what?”

Peebee planted one hand on her hip and gave a dismissive wave with the other. “Psh, please. It’s a small ship. Everybody knows you and Jaal have a thing. Though I gotta say, I knew you could be into shades of blue, but I didn’t think tall, purple, and awkward was your type.”

Something in the tone of her voice gave Ryder pause. Her heart sank—as if it could go any lower. “Peebee, are you… you’re not… jealous, are you?”

“Jealous? Me? No, of course not!” But her laugh must have sounded a little bit forced even to her own ears, and she relented. “Okay, fine, maybe a little,” she admitted. “But I said no strings, and I meant it!”

“Do you still mean it?” Ryder pressed.

She immediately wished she could snatch the words back, but of course it was far too late.

Peebee, for her part, was momentarily stunned. “Do _you?”_ she shot back when she recovered herself. “Be straight with me, Ryder—what do you want from me?”

“Peebee, I…” _I’m totally not prepared to have this conversation right now!_ She swallowed hard. “I like you. A lot. You’re really cool, and fun, and… I don’t want to wreck our friendship over this. But…”

One corner of Peebee’s mouth twitched upward in a crooked smile. “But you love Jaal.”

Ryder nodded miserably.

“I get it. Really, I do.” Peebee gave Ryder a reassuring hug, then held her by the shoulders at arm’s length. “It’s all good, I promise. And even if we never do what we did again, that’s okay, too. Jaal doesn’t strike me as the sharing type,” she added with a wink and a grin that could only be described as lascivious.

Ryder managed a wry smile back at her. “If we ever get that far. It’s gotten… complicated. Apparently.”

“Yeah, what’s going on with you two, anyway?” Peebee asked, releasing her. “You both have been acting weird ever since that mess at the Forge.”

With a heavy sigh, Ryder dropped gracelessly into a chair. “God, where to begin?” She slumped back in her seat, staring at the ceiling. “I spent a couple of years in Alliance peacekeeping forces, back in the Milky Way. Didn’t see a whole lot of combat, but there was some. I had to shoot a few pirates, a couple of geth, the rabid varren that nearly took my eye out.” Her fingertips brushed the four parallel scars that ran under her left eye. “There’s been a lot more fighting here in Andromeda. Roekaar, exiles, kett… I don’t even want to know how many people I’ve killed. It’s easier, I think, because they were all faceless, nameless. Just ‘enemies.’ But down there on Havarl… Akksul was the first person I’ve had to kill whose _name_ I knew.”

Peebee frowned. “So… you knew his name. So what?”

“I don’t know. It’s just… different, somehow. Like in other circumstances, he might have been a friend.” Ryder gritted her teeth. “But he wasn’t. You were there, Peebs. You saw him point a gun at Jaal’s head, at point-blank range. He told him, straight up, ‘I’m going to kill you.’ What was I supposed to do?”

“I might have shot him if you hadn’t,” Peebee agreed.

“Exactly. I didn’t see another choice. There wasn’t exactly time to think about it, anyway.” She leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table, burying her face in her hands. “But now Jaal thinks I don’t trust him. And that’s not true. It was _Akksul_ I didn’t trust. Jaal—I trust him with my life.”

“But not with my own?”

Ryder shot to her feet, whirling around to face the owner of the warm-honey voice that had spoken up from behind her. “Jaal!” She suddenly felt self-conscious in her pyjamas and bedhead.

Peebee edged toward the door. “I think humans have a saying about company and crowds,” she said with a smirk. “’Night, Ryder. Jaal.” Over Jaal’s shoulder, Ryder could see her mouth the words “good luck” as she slipped out of the galley.

“Ryder.” Jaal looked as uncomfortable as she felt. “I, uh… didn’t expect to find you here. At this hour.”

Without warning, anger flared hot and bright behind her eyes, and Ryder folded her arms defiantly. “Wow, Jaal,” she bit out, perhaps more sharply than she’d intended. “That’s more than you’ve said to me in the last five days put together.”

Jaal bowed his head under her withering glare. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I needed some time to… gather my thoughts. And my feelings.”

Well… okay. That was understandable, Ryder supposed. Her anger cooled a little, despite herself, leaving behind an ache she wasn’t sure she could name. She let her arms fall, suddenly unsure what to do with them, at a loss for words. 

Jaal took a deep breath and seemed to brace himself. “Ryder— _Sara._ I need to know one thing.” He swallowed hard. “If you had the chance to do it over again…?”

Ryder stared him squarely in the eye. “I would do the exact same thing,” she answered firmly.

With a frustrated hiss, Jaal turned away from her, his lightweight _rofjinn_ swirling around him. He got as far away from her as the tiny kitchen would allow and leaned heavily on a countertop. Ryder watched him, her heart in her throat, feeling somehow as though she were waiting for him to pass judgement. For as much as she stood by her actions, his opinion still mattered to her. It was important to her that he see it from her point of view—but that would require him to actually listen to her.

In that moment, Ryder found herself starkly reminded of just how alien he was. She had long ago stopped thinking of Peebee, Drack, Vetra, and the crew’s other non-humans as “aliens;” all of the Initiative people were foreigners in Andromeda, and that created a bond that transcended species and culture. Besides, asari, krogan, turian, salarian—they were all familiar to her. Well-understood, known quantities. But the vast ocean of dark space had separated their evolution from that of the angara. First contact had been mere months ago; the sharing of knowledge and psychology and culture had only just begun. It was a miracle they could communicate at all. And therefore, Ryder realized, she had no way to know—no way to even guess—what Jaal was thinking right now.

It was unnerving.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Jaal sighed and bowed his head. “You are a woman of conviction, Ryder,” he said softly. “It’s one of the many things I admire about you.” He turned and fixed her with a penetrating stare. “You truly believe you did the right thing.” It wasn’t a question—but nor was it an accusation.

“I do,” Ryder answered with as much certitude as she could muster. She fought back the tears that threatened, but the tremor in her voice betrayed as she continued, “He was going to _kill_ you, Jaal.” The words came out barely above a whisper. “I couldn’t let… I couldn’t watch you die.” 

Jaal shook his head, dropping his gaze to the floor. “You didn’t know him like I did,” he said mournfully. “We were like brothers, once. Even as much as he’d changed… I don’t believe he could have done it.” He met Ryder’s eyes again, something in them pleading for her understanding. “Family is everything to the angara. Everything. And Akksul was as near to family as it was possible to be without the bonds of blood. I have never forgotten that. And I cannot believe—I _refuse_ to believe that he did.” He sagged. “And perhaps… perhaps that clouded my judgement.”

That set off a swirl of conflicting emotions that made Ryder’s head spin and her stomach tie itself in knots. On the one hand, she felt terrible for having killed someone who’d meant so much to Jaal—she could only imagine what she’d want to do to anyone who hurt Scott, no matter what their reasoning. Yet it sounded like _he_ was about to apologize to _her,_ when she should have been the one begging his forgiveness. So she said, “Jaal, for what it’s worth… I’m sorry I had to do it.” It wasn’t much. In fact, it meant so little it was almost insulting. But it was all she had to offer.

Jaal, bless him, seemed to understand. “And for what it’s worth, Ryder, I’m sorry it had to be you. I’m sorry it took me so long to… to process. I’m sorry I’ve been… distant… and…” He trailed off, fumbling for words. “I care for you, Sara. Deeply. I never stopped caring for you. And I think that’s what has made this experience so… painful.”

Ryder nodded, a lump forming in her throat. “I understand. You trusted me, and I… I betrayed that trust.”

“No, it was I who betrayed your trust. I asked you to follow me, and I led you into danger.” He gave her a tentative half-smile. “Perhaps we can forgive each other… and start over?”

“Of course,” Ryder breathed, relief washing over her in a wave that left her dizzy. She drew a shaky breath and released it slowly. Then she looked up at Jaal with a mischievous grin. “I hope we’re not starting all the way over, though.”

Jaal frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You were awfully grumpy when we first met,” she teased, the combination of physical and emotional exhaustion making her suddenly giddy and playful. She closed the distance between them, but stopped an arm’s length away. “I had to work really hard to break through that shell. You’re not gonna make me do all that again, are you?”

Jaal’s only response was gentle laughter as he pulled her into a warm embrace.


End file.
